The Hour

So there we were on Saturday, on the sofa, having quality family time in front of the telly. In the absence of Doctor Who, the X Factor seemed to fit the bill.

“Oooh, he’s terrible. He looks stupid,” My eldest son guffawed with delight, joining his brother in crowing at the unfortunate and deluded. “That’s so funny,” as another tuneless hopeful’s dream bit the dust.

“Isn’t that a bit mean?” I asked. “Look, they’re crying. These people are really upset not to get through.”

“Well they should know they’re awful. How can they think they’re any good? They’re just stupid.”

Harsh comment from a 10-year-old with no regard for broken hearts when there’s humiliation to be giggled at.

But I don’t think this is something new or particular to this aspect of Simon Cowell’s titanic telly brand. My kids love You’ve Been Framed and that show where grown ups race about on what looks like a huge soft play course and inevitably end up falling in the water. Do you remember Candid Camera? And the hugely popular Ski Sunday? No one really cared who won the races, we all just watched for the pile-ups.

Then Shirlena did her bum-clenching rendition of Duffy’s Mercy. I had to hide behind a cushion and my boy was outraged.

“Why did they put her through, she was rubbish?  The others were far better.”

He was referring to the competent, but dull, band that Cheryl rejected with a flick of her polished fingernail.

I was really pleased he asked. “That’s because it’s a programme they make to entertain us, not necessarily to find the most talented people if they aren’t very interesting.”

“That’s not fair,” he pointed out reasonably.

“Well, yes. It’s not, really. The thing is, what Simon Cowell wants is for lots of people to have family telly time on Saturdays. If you like laughing at people making fools of themselves, he’s going to make sure there are people to laugh at every week.”

“So they’re not really looking for the X Factor then?” I couldn’t tell if that sound was crisp crumbs falling on the floor or scales from his eyes.

“Sort of. It’s just that for Simon Cowell having X Factor means making him lots and lots of money at the same time as becoming a pop star.”

“Oh. Then you’re saying you could be really, really good but not win,” At this point I tried to explain that back story, guts and likeability were just as important as talent but that he needn't worry because there are dozens of other ways to become a star... including working really hard at school.

Not that any of that matters a jot. We’ll be back on the sofa on Saturday and, meantime, my money’s on the adorable and soulful Gamu.

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